2017年5月28日 星期日

wide-armed oak 等等

十幾年前,Simon University的一則討論。可補充的地方,想必很多。



關於The Hobbit(魔戒前傳)的小段譯評和其他

我1978年買The Hobbit,2004年初在ylib的「聊齋」,有人問(魔戒前傳)的英文名字,我寫下:「雖然我是(台灣翻譯此系列作品的)局外人,不過我認為將這一20世紀新字hobbit掩藏起來,這做法應該抗議。因為如此一來,
不利讀者與國際朋友溝通等。該書作者對於何以創此字,有一自圓其說。」

我在Simon University曾將大陸版本中的一段,請梁永安先生和張瑞麟先生評論一下
---梁兄 please comment

After that they stopped pleading. Then they took off their clothes and bathed in the river, which was shallow and clear and stony at the ford. When they had dried in the sun, which was now strong and warm, they were refreshed, if still sore and a little hungry. Soon they crossed the ford (carrying the hobbit). and then begin to march through the long green grass and down the lines of wide-armed oaks and the tall elms. ( p.102 chapter 7)

大陸版本:「小矮人不再求剛多爾夫了。他們偷了衣服到河裡洗澡。 河水清澈見底。洗完之後,他們在溫暖的陽光下曬乾,精神了許多。只是肚子餓, 身上疼。 很快他們就涉過淺灘(背著霍比特人) 向那碧綠的草地走去。 一抱粗的橡樹和高高的榆樹隨處可見。」


梁先生改譯為:「小矮人不再求剛多爾夫了。他們脫了衣服到河裡洗澡。 河水清淺 淺灘處石頭累累。洗完之後,他們在轉強轉暖的陽光下曬乾,精神了許多。只是肚子有點餓, 身上疼。 很快他們就涉過淺灘(背著霍比特人) ,走進碧綠的草地,走過一排排粗粗的櫟樹和高高的榆樹。」 


---瑞麟兄的comments. (原文彩色標示)
After that they stopped pleading. Then they took off their clothes and bathed in the river, which was shallow and clear and stony at the ford. When they had dried in the sun, which was now strong and warm, they were refreshed, if still sore and a little hungry. Soon they crossed the ford (carrying the hobbit). and then begin to march through the long green grass and down the lines of wide-armed oaks and the tall elms. ( p.102 chapter 7)

小矮人不再求剛多爾夫了。他們偷了衣服到河裡洗澡。 河水清澈見底。洗完之後,他們在溫暖的陽光下曬乾,精神了許多。只是肚子餓, 身上疼。 很快他們就涉過淺灘(背著霍比特人) 向那碧綠的草地走去。 一抱粗的橡樹和高高的榆樹隨處可見。

我還要補充幾點:
1. carrying the hobbit 原文並沒有指出 on one's back,所以譯文「背著」不知是否有前文為依據? 
2. march through 應該「要穿過去」,而不只是「向……走去」;既然是 march through,那麼就不只是碧綠的草地,我認為草深至少及腰;
3. 原文 wide-armed 前面應該有冠詞 the ,才能與後面的 the tall 對稱,而形成 the lines of the... and the ....;此段譯文「隨處可見」好像是說兩種樹零零落落的散布著,其實原文用的是 the lines,我想應該是成排成列的模樣;而 wide-armed 我不認為是「一抱粗」,應該是樹枝像兩臂張開的樣子。 RL
hc2017.5.28 補充:

Painting : "Wide Armed Oak, Nimrod Hall, Virginia" (Original art by ...


www.kesrahoffman.com/...-/Wide%20Armed%20Oak,%20Nimrod%20Hall,%20Virgi...
This Oak seems to embrace the day with it's wide span of branches. SOLD. Original Painting.



17:15 2004/2/28
我將我認為不夠好的部分加深加紅供你參考,理由大致如下:
1. stoppped 只是暫停而已,並不表示一定「不再」;
2. took off 的譯文「偷了」大概是你輸入錯誤?
3. 關於這條河的描述不夠充分,shallow 與 stony at the ford 譯文沒有表現出來;
4. 太陽是在後來才既 strong 又 warm(前段是過去完成式had dried後段是過去式was); 
5. were refreshed 的譯文「精神了許多」,不知所云?
6. begin 的時態不對,應該是 began
RL
16:40 2004/2/28

****後來我將該書的一小段送廖女士,她當時投入翻譯Pale Fire
:「我們似乎與pale特別有緣份」

Far over the misty mountains cold
To drungeons deep and caverns old 
We must away ere break of day,
To seek the pale enchanted gold.
(這是採自The Hobbit的)

又 Kazuo Ishiguro (石黑一雄)的少作 A Pale View of Hills 有人翻譯為<<群山淡景>>。

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